her-twisted-thoughts

Dismantled reflections_on Mauritania*

2012-01-27T20:57:00.003+02:00

On this land

Time has no value
Everything moves slowly
Even the grains of sand
Transported by the wind
From one dune to another

On this land
Dreams are weird
And they get weirder by the day
Dreams of mattresses, empty rooms
And fictitious characters
Coming to life, slowly

On this land
Misery creeps out slowly
To embrace you with its dark shadow
You cannot avoid the vibes of misery
But you can look at it from behind a lens
Everything looks beautiful behind a lens.

Life happens.

2012-01-19T00:57:00.001+02:00

One night you are here
In the middle of it all
The buzz
The night

The night life

The light
The crowds
Adrenaline

Rush

Ecstasy

The excessive flow
Of feelings
Rushing
Pushing down your throat

One night you are here
In life
In the midst of it

The crowds suffocate you
Life suffocates you
With its excesses and magnitude

And
Then
Just
Stillness

And you wonder
Whether it is the ability to breathe
That dictates
A life

A matter of perspective

2011-12-18T13:58:00.004+02:00

Bangkok skies, Dec 2011

Fixation on memory making*

2011-12-16T20:05:00.003+02:00

As we obsess about making memories
We forget about living the moment

We see significantly important instants of our lives
Through lenses of smart phones and photo cams

We watch life passing by

We want to eternalize fragments of our mortal lives
We want to show them off, as a proof of their existence
As a proof of our existence

As we obsess about making memories
Our present becomes past

Moment after moment, years pass by
As we reflect back and remember
There is a sadness that grows inside
A sadness, not caused by a nostalgia to time that flew by
But to a time spent un-lived

Bangkok sky, December 2011

On a clear perplexity

2011-11-21T14:30:00.000+02:00

You do not have to be here
When the lack of your presence
Is not equivalent to your absence

You do not have to make promises
When every word your lips utter
Is an eternal promise carved on my eternal soul

You do not have to make up excuses
When you know that I can see through you
And that with a smile I embrace all your lies

You do not have to even speak to me
When your silence speaks much louder than your words
And way straighter to my heart

'intimacy affair'

2011-11-21T00:25:00.002+02:00

A new concept that refers to the new trend of effective and efficient relationships for independent working women.

It is an affair - hence the secrecy. Even if it wasn't a complete secret; it is not as if women will walk around talking about it.

It is not love - hence not a 'love affair'

It is more than just sex

It is 'intimacy'

It is seeking moments of intimacy - when one can get personal with the other ... sharing their private natures with no strings attached. It is being able to be one's self in such small moments in time. It is this indescribable closeness that comes at the right dose to ease off everything else going on in the world. That small particular degree of disconnection that leaves you feeling as if there is nothing more you could ask for. Just, intimacy.

Random existential rambling

2011-11-14T23:25:00.000+02:00

Her: I need higher ceilings
Him: are you mixing your pills again?
Her: did it end?
Him: how could it end since it never started?
Her: I thought I saw a red balloon behind that cloud
Him: it was a fish flying. Stop hallucinating.
Her: I saw you holding it. The thread was long
Him: I was holding a toothpick between my fingers
Her: Saturn is getting closer
Him: it's not Saturn. It is a red balloon. And you are holding it
Her: so it did start
Him: shut up. I like you better when you're a fish
Her: the fish doesn't think. The fish is mute. Expressionless
Him: Saturn is getting closer
Her: I must swim away

Random

2011-11-12T17:12:00.001+02:00

Her: "I need higher ceilings"
Him: "Did you mix your pills again?"

Habits*

2011-11-09T15:27:00.001+02:00

I am a creature of habit
And I move in circles around you
I will admit there's a pattern
One I created myself

None of my lovers dared leave me
I grew impatient and stale
Didn't look back once I'd left them
Cause I always expected to fail

But this time it's different
The rules don't apply
But I need some distance to step out of line

So grant me this wish and meet me back here in a year
If we still exist, I can let go of my fear
Fear of normalcy
Fear of the solid walls of our future and let go of my past

I must be crazy to want this
Cause you are the girl of my dreams
But I'm prone to ruin the good things
Cautious 'round balance it seems

*Lyrics of Maria Mena song - Habits

Inside out_

2011-10-31T16:08:00.001+02:00

A
Gruesome
Noise
Comes
From
Outside
And
My
Ears
Twinge

A
Killing
Twinge
Comes
From
Within
Sharp, sharp
Pain

And
In the midst
Of it all

I
Don’t
Know
Which
Hurts
More

The
Unwanted
Contact
With
The
Outside
World

Or
My
Own
Succumbing
Inner self

In my parallel reality*

2011-10-24T16:35:00.000+03:00

Today is one of those days
When I feel the urge
To dig a hole
Under my desk
Slip into it
And slide downward
Into a parallel reality
Where it rains fireflies
And snows colorful feathers
A parallel reality
The existence of which
Is bound to the walls
Of my own mind

Naked in a spaceship

2011-10-24T01:06:00.000+03:00

She told him she was tripping
On nothing but threads of fresh air

A natural high

He, oblivious to his surroundings,
Did not take too long
To join her on the same cloud

“Let’s sleep together”, she said
“here, on this earth, in this place and time”

He smiled
But in his mind
They were naked in a spaceship

He was unaware of the fact
That through his eyes
She could read what was going on inside

His smile faded when he heard her say:
“Tonight, together we fly”

[re]create

2011-10-16T14:57:00.001+03:00

Remember that castle we built?
Yes, the one we worked really hard on
Putting side by side sprinkles of dust
Aligning them carefully
For the whole thing not to fall apart

Remember the time it took us to build the ground floor
The basics of all other layers and details
We thought it was a secure foundation
One that can resist winds, fires and floods

We built it to last

But last it did not

No, it was not struck by an earthly clout
We destroyed it ourselves
Being too concerned about its strength
Too ambitious to give birth to something big
Something powerful, of good foundation and everlasting

We annihilate what we care about most
When we lose ourselves
Overstressing how much we care

Duality**

2011-10-13T10:17:00.001+03:00

In my purple mind I drown
And the world no longer makes sense
You no longer make sense
Nothing really makes sense

In my purple mind I drift
And colors no longer exist
People I see in my everyday life
Take cartoon characters for a shape

People I see in my everyday life
No longer make sense

It is a different reality in there
In my purple mind

The stories I make
The lines and connections I draw
Outside the scope of my purple mind
Them too, do not make sense

Did I become too detached?
Am I that far beyond the totality of real things?

How did I end up with a double existence?

Social decay

2011-10-04T23:56:00.000+03:00

Failure of social imagination
Has left humanless shells of skin
Roaming around the debris
Of what was once their own
And what is now nothing
But a psychological exclusion
Of the soul from its own body

Purple things*

2011-09-29T16:59:00.001+03:00

The box is full
And it is starting to spill them out
Slowly
They are taking over the place
The floor is all wet now
If you set foot on it you will slide

But all of it doesn’t matter
Because to you, they are invisible
To your oblivious self, they don’t exist

You can easily fly above the floor
You can easily soar
Disappear
Right into your cave
Your comfort zone of oblivion

I am not offering them to you
I am just asking of you
To acknowledge their existence

Emptiness*

2011-09-22T20:54:00.003+03:00

Emptiness knocked on my door
And stormed in uninvited
It came in the shape of Beauty
The worst of all masquerades
Evil witty Beauty
The kind, the most virtuous of all cannot turn down

Emptiness was in disguise
And I was blinded by the vice
The moment I thought I was on top
Turned out I was looking at the world upside down

Emptiness carved a place in my heart
Locked itself in and refused to go out
It was eating my soul
One bite at a time
It was sucking on my blood
Hollowing out my bones

Until we became one

I am Emptiness, Beauty in disguise

It's philosophical*

2011-08-21T15:30:00.001+03:00

What we have is conceptual
To the point that it could have never existed

If I turn my back and leave the room, right now
Nothing will change
No transformation
No regrets, no remorse

Not even a thought would be given by any of us
Regarding the abrupt amendment in our situation

What we have is conceptual
To the point that it could be whatever we wish it to be

But it will always remain abstract
An idea, distanced from our two objects of being

Hysteria: in colloquial use, unmanageable emotional excesses

2011-08-17T21:55:00.000+03:00

I am not hysterical. I do seem weird. To some people. During specific periods of time.
I am not hysterical. Yet. I do have moments of extreme emotions. Affecting my sense of reason.
But those are just moments. Moments. At least in my own perception of time.
And during those moments. I find myself. Straying from the norm.
I find myself. On a different cloud. Flying higher. And higher. And higher.
Until I am alone.
Looking down.
Laughing.
Hysterically.
At what I am leaving behind.

Perspective*

2011-08-09T11:31:00.004+03:00

Photos courtesy of C.L.

Electronic nights

2011-08-03T11:39:00.005+03:00

Photos taken at a local band's gig: Mashrou' Leila - July 29, 2011
http://mashrou3leila.com/

On natural growth

2011-08-03T10:40:00.001+03:00

You cannot force something that doesn’t exist
Into existence
Something that is not processed by the inner self
To be out, visible and exposed
To the outer world
Of the individual.
Or of the nation.

You cannot force democracy in Afghanistan
Nor you can force a ring around the finger of a gamophobiac
You cannot force a relationship with someone who already established a relationship with himself

It has to grow by itself
In itself
As a newborn… with all the endurance it has to go through
In order to make the perfect first step

A poem in the writer's shoes

2011-07-19T11:52:00.000+03:00

A poem does not write itself
No matter how alive it can seem
No matter what disguise it puts on
The red lipstick, the long copper hair
Or the most arousing smell ever

A poem cannot write itself
Without the senses of the writer
It will wear her lipstick, her hairdo
And her perfume
It will adopt her personality
Walk the way she walks
And be still whenever the writer’s senses
Decide to retreat to the real world

On endless Fridays

2011-07-08T15:21:00.001+03:00

Fridays are like being trapped in a purgatory
with one foot in heaven and the other in hell

Yerevan

2011-05-29T23:51:00.002+03:00

Part one

The city is sleeping
But I am not
I haven’t downed too much alcohol tonight
To put me straight in Sandman’s Land

The city is sleeping
But how could she sleep?
Can’t she realize what is going on around her?
Can’t she see that the world is changing?
The whole universe is changing…

Doesn’t she feel fear?
Can a city be this cold blooded?
How can she simply close her eyes
And disconnect from everything around her?

This oblivious city
Turning her back on past and present
Turning her back on me

This oblivious city
I envy for her peace of mind

Part two

As the city sleeps
I sit in my bed
Daydreaming about walking in the empty streets
Fantasizing about a breathe of cool air
Stroking my face
Lingering between the thin threads of my hair
While my bare feet are being soaked
Of streets wet of summer rain

As the city sleeps
I feel betrayed
I sit still and wonder
Who will be keeping me company tonight?

Emptiness in a box*

2011-05-09T17:10:00.000+03:00

Today I feel the emptiness inside adding up
Soon enough it is going to flood from inside
Float, pour outside my skin, and surround my body
Soon enough I am going to bathe in it

Feeling hollow on the inside is one thing
And swimming in a pool of nothingness is another
I cannot tell which is worst

The old me would say: soon I will color the void around me
Carve it with smiley faces and happy shapes

But I am not feeling this urge anymore

My refuge is grey space, a fragile box I reside in
And a mental trip to a past, altered enough
That I can no longer retrieve memory from imagination

The poem that came to life

2011-05-08T17:12:00.000+03:00

The poem was lying there. On the bed, between us
It wasn’t complete yet. It was forming itself
Trying to fill in the blank, created by our silence
The poem had a mind of its own
I am not sure if it was waiting for us to create its story line
Or if it was forming a story on its own
Telling about this couple
Lying on the bed
And watching a poem being formed
Silently

Still Sun*

2011-04-15T15:08:00.000+03:00

It is when silence stands as a heavy wall
Between your two bodies

When your faces become expressionless
And your wandering minds
Are constantly seeking an escape
From the reality surrounding you
From the human form, in front of you

It is when colors fade and music becomes noise
When the wind becomes still
No laughs, no tears, not even remorse

This is when you should step back, turn around
And fetch a new start
For no moment is worth wasting
When everything is clear, under the sun

April*

2011-03-22T14:17:00.000+02:00

Being part of a system
Is not working for me

I am a free soul
I cannot be contained
I do not need an ID
I do not need to feel belonging

I have my dreams
And they keep me going
Flying
Following them

Craving to touch
A passion I have inside
To materialize it
Hold it between my palms
Blow at it
And spend the next few years
Flying
Following it

Being part of a system
Is not working for me

Spring colors' strike

2011-03-13T10:39:00.000+02:00

Emptiness
Long sought
Turned out to be
Unbearable

It all happened this morning
When Red knocked on my window
Informing me that all spring colors
Decided on a sit-in, on the porch of my house

I look outside
Everything is grey
Even White and Black
Are joining the strike

In a world where colors are undermined
What would change if they actually disappear?

The urban feel

2011-03-03T18:36:00.001+02:00

This city is draining me
Sucking all energy out of me

Encounters and confrontations
Recurrent spaces of uncertainty

The hybrid, disjointed and unsteady
World that we are living in

The fixation on objects
The overlook on the substance

This city is draining me

I need to vanish into invisible space
I have a nostalgic longing for the unreal

Spiritless existence is as tiring
As walking bare feet from one continent to the other
Bearing all people’s sins in one backpack
Glued to the back of your neck

astray*

2011-03-02T15:14:00.000+02:00

She looks to fill the hollow inside
With meaningless events
Serving in helping her escape
The path to which her life has led

inspired_

2011-02-26T12:51:00.001+02:00

you are that sun ray
on a cloudy rainy winter day

High down below

2011-02-12T16:32:00.000+02:00

High on his words
Her wings are lifting her up
To another reality
But her legs want to stick to the ground

Surreal space
Is not unknown to her
Neither is the downfall
That follows

Afraid of reaching the ceiling
Anytime soon
She will, for now
Stick to the ground

your vibes

2011-02-11T17:08:00.002+02:00

Your vibes
add colors
to the white sheet
of mundane existence

Poème de Baudelaire*

2011-02-01T16:16:00.002+02:00

"Je veux m'anéantir dans ta gorge profonde
Et trouver sur ton sein la fraicheur des tombeaux"

- Damien Saez

Cre[m]ate

2011-01-27T10:15:00.000+02:00

Some things when broken cannot be fixed
And you cannot replicate what once didn’t exist

You can simply try to create
But creation is useless if the need is not collectively felt

To create is a process, not an end

A silent shout

2011-01-24T14:28:00.000+02:00

It wasn’t until a year later
When she was in the bathtub
Shaving her legs
And accidentally cut her skin
With the cold razor blade
And saw the blood running down
Without feeling an ounce of pain
That she knew she could no longer feel
That she knew that cuts in her soul
Did have an immunizing effect
Even on her flesh

One fake winter season

2011-01-18T23:50:00.002+02:00

The sun was swallowed by a rain cloud
The sky, wearing its black dress of mourning
Instead of weeping
Is now trying to hold its tears

I was told when I was young
That keeping things inside
And refraining from expressing sorrow
Leads only to a dead end
Self-destruction
Eventually, one explodes from too much emotion

Expressing is one step forward toward accepting

Cry sky cry

A thought

2011-01-16T17:38:00.001+02:00

In the moment before the night is completely over
And before sunrays start making their way
Through the fading darkness
I find myself thinking about
How perfectly symbiotic our bodies looked on white bed sheets

A trip in lost time*

2011-01-09T15:52:00.001+02:00

Let’s ride together the back of a butterfly
And dive into a pool of our memories
Break into a heaven we once shared
That is now lost in a different place and time
Let’s color the film strips of our photos from the past
Let’s re-arrange moments of our lives
Leaving the sad ones behind
Let’s disconnect together, like we used to do
Drift into our created shared consciousness
But this time, let’s shut the doors behind us
So that we never fall into reality again
Never again

The Comical Spiral of Sorrow

2011-01-05T10:52:00.000+02:00

Close your eyes
Fake a new dream
Watch the night pass by
As the daytime colors disappear
Recall instants of your day
That was similar to any other day
Nothing special to mention
Nothing much to say

Disconnect.

Another year passing by
What difference does it make?
You are in the comical spiral of sorrow
One day you will close your eyes
Longing for a dreamless night

Can you go on faking it all your life?

Immortal fragments from Murakami's Kafka on the shore

2010-12-14T01:36:00.002+02:00

She and I are in two separate worlds, divided by an invisible border

I think she found the right words by bypassing procedures like meaning and logic. She captured words in a dream, like delicately catching hold of a butterfly's wings as it flutters around. Artists are those who can avoid the verbose.

As long as there is such a thing as time, everybody's damaged at the end, changed into something else. It always happens, sooner or later.

I have swallowed a rain cloud whole.

Somewhere I don't know about, something is happening to time.

My lips are tightly sealed. Words are asleep in a corner of time.

Can nothingness increase?

Beyond the edge of the world, there is a space where emptiness and substance nearly overlap, where past and future form a continuous, endless loop.

In a place where time isn't important, neither is memory.

A moment in time*

2010-12-14T01:24:00.002+02:00

In my sleepless nights
I sit and wonder
Where did I go wrong?
When was the turning point?
Did I overdo it?
Did I over feel my excitement for life?
Did I set my hopes too high
Leaving me disappointed in anything below the sky?

At dawn my dreams speak to me
Why, to them, do I turn my back?

I am fetching a way back
To when I was a happier person
When I used to look ahead, oversee the darkness, and stare into the colors of the rainbow, that rainbow that old friend, by the end of the tunnel

I am walking backward to find that spot again
When I used to find sunrays amidst heavy rain
And vibes of peace of mind amidst a chaotic pace of life

I am looking backward but the path I have followed seems to have disappeared
It was swallowed by my memory

Even my own brain is turning against me

Lost control*

2010-12-13T19:56:00.001+02:00

She was speeding downhill in a vehicle that lacked wheels
The space was void around her
Darkness was all she could see through the seemingly never ending windshield
Darkness and the brown soil
The vehicle was hitting the ground recurrently
Bumping into small rocks that were flying from each side
There were no breaks she could push
No power switch that could make the engine stop
There was only a steering wheel she kept trying to get hold of
But every time she thought she was in control
She found her body flying inside the vehicle
Her legs in the air, her hands determined on the wheel
Gravity only seemed to work outside, pushing the vehicle down
But on the inside, she couldn’t even be in command of her own body
No matter how hard she tried
She lies awake in bed, knowing that all of this is but a dream
But knowing is not enough to get her out of it
Just knowing … has never been enough

Uncommon Sense.

2010-12-10T12:06:00.000+02:00

I promised myself not to fight it
To let it be
To step back and observe
Where all of this will eventually lead
Where the road would stop
And I will see my own body
Standing faced with a bush
In a place lacking colors
I even wondered how it would feel like
To reach a place with no return

Yet somewhere along the path
The urge took over me
My skin started itching
My mouth became watery
My mind, out of control

I had to write.

Even though writing meant making no sense at all…

And then I sat back
And looked at this page, thinking…

Will it ever come back?

The world is a book*

2010-12-07T12:51:00.003+02:00

Untitled

2010-11-30T22:37:00.002+02:00

I am sleepless on a strange land.

Urban love*

What are you doing under my skin?

2010-11-23T10:17:00.002+02:00

I am sun burnt, on a cloudy winter day
Color blind in wonderland
Speechless, a witness in a court
Deaf in a Pink Floyd concert
Lost in my own apartment
Thirsty in a pool of wine

Nothing is making any sense.

A thought

2010-11-04T17:08:00.002+02:00

For a person to go through this thing called life
S/he has to be either a poet or a suicidal

All other flesh bound entities
That do not fit these two categories
Do not exist

They live
From the mere lack of death

But they do not exist.

On memories and dreams*

2010-10-29T16:00:00.000+03:00

I refuse to live in the memories
Of a dream that was once a concept,
Came true and then faded away

I refuse to live in recollection
Of moments in black and white

I want to live, in the real world
And have room for more dreams
And more colors

The hitchhiking game*

2010-10-19T11:38:00.001+03:00

I started mourning you way before you died
Maybe I shouldn’t have been so public about it
So recklessly articulate

I started mourning you way before you died
Maybe it was me out there, handing you the rope
Making way for you to commit suicide

I should have known that your death
Was not your own end
But it was the death of something we shared

Yet after death,
The game we used to play still goes on
Regardless of our fingers becoming numb
And not toying with the strings anymore
Regardless of the empty stage and the curtains falling down

The game has a mind of its own
Irrespective of you or I

Kafka Tamura*

2010-10-18T16:33:00.002+03:00

Kafka Tamura forgot about
The cabin in the woods
The minute he let his senses
Succumb to the urban noise

Was it really a product of his imagination?
Or did he really spend three days in solitude?

Is this what happens when you wake up from a waking dream?
You lose touch with it, forget it, and live on, the urban legend?
Wasting time, craving for the flashbacks of the dream
To resurrect, only in your mind?

winter

2010-10-08T14:16:00.001+03:00

Seeing the gloomy weather
This afternoon
I was just thinking
How I am afraid of the first raindrops
Because they remind me of you
How terrified I am at the thought
Of winter coming back
Without you here and around

And the rain started

A huge smile on my face
Hides the thoughts
That are tearing me from the inside

I do not want to go out
I do not want to smell
The wet soil

I just want to be
On my own
In my mind
Where together we are
Only in a different time

I never thought I would wait for the sun
To shake the thoughts of you apart

Of space and time*

2010-10-04T11:29:00.002+03:00

I open my eyes to see that I exist in a space we once shared
Only it is a different time

I amass the debris of our night here
I hear the echoes of conversations we had
I can see you walking around inside these yellow walls
Your gaze not leaving my body

Decaying memories are coming back to life
And the feeling I get, in my stomach
Is the same one I once had, not an inch different

Your voice is in the back of my head
Your scent is invading my nostrils
I can even feel your arms around me
As we once laid down on a bed
Forgetting about the world outside

We created our own existence
Between these walls

It was a single night, yet the memory of which still plagues my mind
It was an eternity
Only it was only in our minds

I am questioning the reality of that moment
And other similar moments
I am having flashbacks of tremendous emotions

In your mind, do I still exist?

After decay

2010-09-27T13:35:00.002+03:00

I am down the hole again
The darkness is eating me
The thoughts crawling in my mind
And the scorpions on my skin

Your shadows are here too
They never left, your shadows

There was a dim light before
Coming from somewhere above
Where did this light go?
I haven't noticed it's gone...

It is sad, living in a hole

And the scorpions,
Why wouldn't they just eat me
And let my soul come out of the pores in my skin
And meet your shadows
I don't care if both stay in the hole
They stay together

If your body couldn't handle mine,
Would your shadows handle my soul?

Between the skyline and the ocean*

2010-09-17T02:21:00.001+03:00

She is feeling poetic
She got the urge to write
To get the thoughts out of her system
To scream
But it is not happening

Him: Go on. Disconnect. No sweet dreams for you
Her: Not needed. I’ve had my share for the day. You know me. Between a daydream and a daydream … I daydream. It is a continuous trip in my dreamyard.

Him: Until you take me there, these words are only words to me. Once spoken, they vanish into thin air … as if, they never even existed!
Her: Well, you have to fetch your own thorns. That is how it works. It is not about me taking you anywhere … it is about you feeling the urge to go!

Him: But I cannot learn to fly alone when I have been walking my entire life.
Her: Come to think about it … You do not want to go there. It is a dead end. Reality seems too boring afterward … I cannot guarantee you will be back the same.

Him: I do not like to fall
Her: Then it is useless to try. The fall is part of the trip.

Pause

Her: You triggered me to write!
Him: Then go ahead and do it!

Her: I am not able to … I need substance
Him: Reach into your mind and take a handful … I am sure there is plenty there!

Her: But my mind … it is blocked. Dark. Drained. I do not envy me anymore. The colors are gone.
Him: Shhhh

Her: Can I translate our conversation in a post?

Abstract

2010-09-16T09:48:00.000+03:00

Tomorrow, when I swallow the sun
I am going to take a dip in the sky

iDream.

2010-08-25T16:23:00.003+03:00

And I heard her saying:
“It is my time to daydream now …
I will take a trip into blank space
Collect stars
And pour them into my cup of coffee
Drink them fast
And get high on stars and coffee …

So high

Until I find myself in blank space again
Collecting stars
And pouring them into my cup of coffee
And getting high in my dream

And so on

Until the sun sets
And I am a free soul again”

[the hole in me. that cannot sleep.]

2010-08-17T11:07:00.003+03:00

On seeing and feeling

2010-08-16T15:12:00.000+03:00

I used to think
That what I do not see
Does not exist

I never thought
About that which cannot originally be seen
Yet it exists and persists

Like my emotions
Devoid of the physical object
Which they address

When the physical object fades away
It ceases to exist
But why are the emotions still here
Convincing me otherwise?

gravity eyelids*

2010-08-13T10:55:00.002+03:00

She is strong
As long as she is free
Once hooked
It is the first day
Of the rest of her life

The sweet fall starts
And there is no way
To move against gravity
It is a dead end

At times she would think
She is sliding upwards
Moments of euphoria and thrill
That always end up with her waking up
To sweet reality
She would think she is fooling

Reality cannot be fooled
Neither can gravity

Inspired by Inception* and some other drops of rain and dust ruling my mind.
Title stolen from Porcupine Tree

Last night

2010-08-11T20:36:00.000+03:00

i dreamed that i was in a dream.
and i remembered it.

Thank you stranger, you made my day

2010-08-04T17:02:00.002+03:00

On a random weekday afternoon, she was sitting in her favorite coffee shop; decided to go out for a smoke … a random passerby she has just met on the corner shop - where she stopped earlier to buy a magazine - stopped by. He stared. The stare lasted an eternity.

“You are beautiful you know?” he finally declared. “I don’t mean the typical compliment you hear by everyday people. You really are beautiful. People here have lost value of the words they use. Everyone is telling everyone else “I love you” you know? Sometimes I feel I don’t want to say such words anymore… even when I mean them – they sound cheap. Worthless. But I couldn’t refrain myself from saying this to you. And I knew you would understand it exactly how I meant it”.

She was struck by an eternal silence. She didn’t know what to reply. She kept quiet but didn’t spare him a smile. He smiled back and left.

And she thought to herself – she wished she could reply to him when the time was appropriate. She wished she could formulate the words. But they were stuck in her stomach. She was speechless. It has been a while since she was able to disconnect. And thanks to this stranger; she realized that she still existed in the dream world; that reality didn’t succeed in completely taking over her mind. It took over her flesh yes. But somewhere, deep inside her mind … deep inside her soul; she is still a dreamer. She still believes that random strangers overcome by a beautiful energy do exist. Dream world is not lost. She only lost her path into it.

She would have loved to run behind him; she would have loved to stop in the middle of the street and scream “thank you”. For he has made her day … with a simple little one-way chat … with a genuine smile … he put her right on track; back to the dream world.

Illusion is not lost. Beautiful people do still exist. Words still have their values … only somewhere else!

The Emotions Delusion

2010-07-29T11:07:00.000+03:00

Emotions mask reason
They blind the eyes
Cover the body with a disguise
Revealing only virtues
All other traits vanish
You see what your heart wants you to see
And you believe it as the only truth
You live to feed the sensation
That you acquire by this illusion
Of your emotions
You live up to its expectations
Until you become so detached from reality
That your feet can no longer reach the ground
That you feel dizzy
Head floating up between clouds
And you let the wind take you
You give in
To the power of your emotions not your wits
To the illusion of reality you framed yourself into
When the moment comes
For you to open your eyes
You realize it was all a lie
An attempt to feel
… Emotions betray

She is dust

2010-07-27T17:11:00.000+03:00

She opens the door
Steps out of the colored room
Right onto the roof top
She wears her wings of sunrays
Jumps down the valley
In the speed of sound
Flies between the shy clouds
She looks for a companion
But the space is empty
She thought she wasn’t alone when she let herself jump
But her alter personalities betrayed her
Alone, she landed on a rainbow
Slid down
Down
Until its colors vanished
Until all became grey and white
Even her hair and nail polish
The journey that she saw ending in a blink of an eye
Proved endless to the outer world
But for her, she is who she was
No strings of time can change her
No gravity can pull her down
Flesh and blood she is, between earth and stars

Passive*

2010-07-26T14:19:00.002+03:00

Dead as dead can be
My doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead 'cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your RIGHT and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
(Why can’t you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way (×4)
You're better off this (×2)
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
(Why can't you?)
And face me
(Come on now)
Don't play dead
(Don’t play dead)
'Cause maybe
(Because maybe)
Someday
(Someday)
I will walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way!

Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)
I know that you can hear this
(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead
(GO!)

Why can't you turn and face me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn against me?
(GO!)
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit...

by A Perfect Circle_

Q: Can a circle get any more perfect?
A: It can. As passive as you can get. Same shit. Passive-aggressive bullshit.

Bite the hand that bleeds*

2010-07-02T14:58:00.000+03:00

I watch you tap the blood in my vein
My heart you feed on to keep you sustained
A parasite that leaves me cold and drained

I'm in shock and you leave me paralyzed
And the saddest part I realize
The absence of truth behind your eyes

I feel you tapping my soul from my vein
I feel you tapping again on my vein
I feel my life slipping away

One more drop of blood I spill
One more drop you take
One more drop and I will spite
And bite the hand that bleeds...

I see you have two faces turning
Changing face to keep me guessing
You have mastered the art of deceiving

Now I know no one trusts you
Now I know not even you do
And to think, you've salted my wounds

Now I know no one trusts you
Now I know no one trust you
Now I know your salt in my wounds

One more drop of blood I spill
One more drop you take
One more drop and I will spite
And bite the hand that bleeds

Bite the hand that bleeds you

One more drop of blood I spill
One more drop you take
One more drop and I will spite
And bite the hand that bleeds

Bite the hand that bleeds you
You...

* A masterpiece by Fear Factory

A materialized epitome of a dream.

2010-06-14T13:54:00.000+03:00

Am I a tired person?

2010-06-03T12:49:00.000+03:00

I don’t have an answer to that question, yet
There are some indicators though, some tangible facts
That can’t prove otherwise
I feel my cells degenerate
Not my skin cells, no
But those of my soul
Are those tangible enough?
The metabolism of my brain and thoughts
Once fast and high
Is now slower than a turtle
How can I know I am tired?
I squeeze my thoughts to write this post
Writing … which once was a natural process
Requiring no efforts from my lousy heart, mind or fingers
Is becoming a burden on my soul
A weight I can’t get rid of
I need to write to take the load off
I need to take the load off to write
Is that called brain metamorphosis?
Is it a natural process of aging?
Is it the lack of sunshine
Or the excessive clouds shading my soul?
Did I become that tired person I was constantly escaping from?

I steal people's thoughts

2010-06-03T12:35:00.000+03:00

I enter the minds of random people
Sitting around me in a bar
I sneak into their tiny brains
Fetch my way through the colored threads
Of their most meaningless and their wisest thoughts
I tiptoe around
Looking for a unique idea, a mind blowing desire,
Or a long forgotten memory, in the blackest hole of their minds
And in a moment of revelation, I find one
And then I spend the remaining hour or so
Putting all my energy together
Trying by all means to pull that thought, desire, or memory
Out of their brains
To shape it into airborne words that land on their tongues
For a fraction of a second or two
And then I pull them out of their mouths, slowly
And I use those words to write my poems
That’s what I do to kill time
Sitting alone in a bar
Killing can be a fun process
And it puts together good pieces of words
One after the other,
In a useless poem

circle of disoriented haze

2010-05-26T22:11:00.004+03:00

Mist*

2010-05-26T18:24:00.001+03:00

I sit here and wait for something to happen
Fingers tapping on the desk
Mind wandering with the music in my head
Thoughts, flashbacks and imaginings
All trapped into one corner of my mind
Confusing they are
For I am not able to discern the dream from reality
And the memory from the desire
I want you to get inside my head
With those little fingers of yours
And take off this little fragment of my mind
Where all the thoughts and emotions are entwined
Take this little piece of mind, and put it in a plate right here on my desk
So that I pull out the different threads
Put those of the same colors together
And put them back in my brain
And get out of this state of oblivion
And start doing something
Instead of sitting here and waiting
For something to happen

At 25*

2010-05-11T19:58:00.003+03:00

An attempt to draw the rambling of the incoherent thoughts visiting my mind very often lately...
There is much more to learn, much more to experience... much more to get hold of, even more to let go. At the end, it is what we do that defines us - and that keeps our memory floating in space next to the purple birds and on the minds of faithful souls. But are we really what we do?

We drift so much from who we are
We fail to find our true selves, by the end of the journey
Growing up, is an odd occurrence
Even odder, is maturing
Each age brings with it its own flicker
Sometimes it makes us smile, sometimes it makes us sad
Sometimes it is promising, other times it is pathetic
Each age has its colors and shapes
And those are reflected in our minds and on our skins
The layers add up as we grow older
Habits we acquire, knowledge we gain
Holes we fall into, mountains we climb on
Experience accumulated, as years pass by
But where is the “I”?
How would we know that who we are at this age, at this time in this space… is who we were born into?
Where is the essence?
There is a thin line between the truth and the total obliteration of it
Will we be able to ever draw this line?

After dark*

2010-05-11T19:35:00.000+03:00

There is so much beauty in this world
So much left unseen
All it takes is a collective consciousness
Of two persons, three or four
Acting upon the spur-of-the-moment scheme
To get out of their shell
And go on wandering after dark

Let go of time, mind and norms
Let go of all carnal restrictions
Let go of daily routine
And endless traffic jams
Give yourself in to the pleasures of the night
Carelessly, euphorically
Like a fifteen year old

Only those with free minds and souls
Are entitled to see the beauty of the world

Revocation of the 'I'

2010-04-29T01:03:00.000+03:00

I am walking backwards
On the stairway of life
I am stripping off
The layers of my skin
Slowly, one by one
With each goes a memory
An experience
A failure, a triumph
Sometimes just a sensation

As I am pulling off
The dust that accumulated
On my spirits and soul
I was hoping I could see once more
The shape of the person in which I was born
The original, clean self
Unharmed, untouched, undressed
With no imposed thoughts
With no social constructs

Peeling layer after layer
Yet the skin is still thick
How far did I go in tainting myself?
Is there any way back?
Is that what they call the revocation of the ‘I’?

Time to disconnect ... Dream*

2010-04-26T17:46:00.002+03:00

Hope, I am calling you.

2010-04-24T16:08:00.001+03:00

As days go by
The rainbow towards the end
Is becoming to seem too faraway
For the naked eye to see
The rainbow that is called hope
For a better ending, a happy ending
Is becoming blurry
The vision is diverted
By the clouds of gloom
Resulting from daily distractions
Inciting the mind to worry about the here and now
Instead of looking ahead
People are depressed
Others are not satisfied with who they turned out to be
Some others feel they are stuck in spots, not even in circles
Till when will this vision remain hazy?
How far will we go
Before sunrays decide to light up our paths -again
And lead us to the colors
To life, … in all its flavors?
When will the gray fade
And give way to a high spirits
And an earnest smile?

A totally meaningful conversation

2010-04-21T22:35:00.000+03:00

Him: What the fuck happens with you?
Her: When?
Him: When we speak!!! What the fuck happens in your brain?
Her: I need attention – spoil me.
Him: Ahhh! … Sometimes I forget that you are not a normal person. I catch myself fantasizing about carrying out a meaningful, sensible, rational conversation with you… And each time you draw me out of my fantasy in an even more peculiar way!
Her: I need to be hugged, caressed, cuddled and spoiled by you.
Him: Pft! It is worthless to even discuss this with you! You drain me.
Her: … Then spend more time on spoiling me instead!

Of soul and stones*

2010-04-21T22:11:00.002+03:00

Walls, walls, walls
Substantial, sturdy walls
Too high, they became lost between clouds
Too thick, they separate our worlds even more
Walls that cannot be broken
Walls that get even tougher
With every unspoken word
With every feeling buried in the soul
With every thought that wished to be materialized
On a bed, between sheets
Or under ever faithful skies
Ambiguous reflections
Are visiting my mind tonight
I wonder if the power of a mind
And the will of a heart
Can ever defy a mass of stones
Before turning into one them

One sporadic chapter *

2010-04-17T18:05:00.002+03:00

People often lose touch with reality
I have lost touch with the dream world
I found myself, feet stuck to the ground
Surrounded by concrete, flesh bound people
Talking and arguing, using their brains
Discussing rational ideas

I found people walking instead of flying
Cars speeding instead of slowing their pace
For the passengers to take pleasure in the scenery
Men in business suits running around
Checking the time relentlessly
As if times rules them, and not the other way round

The world has lost it.

I glanced through, looking for dream land shoes,
Those were gone. Vanished.

I found myself bare feet stuck to the ground
I too am running
I too am constantly watching the clock
I too have been struck with this hell bound spell called reality

My days became so hectic
I have no more time to daydream
Let alone write about it
My nights, which I came to worship as a time for the body to rest
Instead of being a time to set free the mind,
A time for disconnection from the tiring day life, and people
My former dreamless nights,
Became packed with endless nightmares
Became interrupted by sudden wake ups
Flashbacks of deadlines and unfinished tasks

I want my dream-shoes back.

Outer examination of feelings

2010-04-14T15:07:00.000+03:00

It’s been some time
That I have been wanting
To express what is going on inside me
Not a long time – a couple of days only

I wanted to scream out
The words lingering inside me
The ideas that I am failing to put in sentences
Maybe I can express them in sounds
Audible, meaningless sounds
Bringing out the lunatic in me

My brain is packed with thoughts and emotions
Or maybe it is just my psychotic hormonal state
I spend too much analyzing
What goes on inside
That I let the days slide by

I am loosing track of time
Forgetting to enjoy the little things
Such as sunshine
And the amazing people I surround myself with
Till when will the fast forward pace drag?

A thought from the bathroom

2010-04-08T11:43:00.000+03:00

The higher the expectations
The deeper the fall.

a.disturbed.soul.

2010-04-07T22:47:00.000+03:00

It is not my reflection I am looking at in the mirror
It is rather pieces of me
Shattered little pieces
That do not relate to each other
Neither in their color nor in their smell

Tiny pieces of me
Each having a life of its own
Its little dreams and modest fears
Dreams of a better future
Fears of not getting there

Little pieces of me
Pulling my soul each to its side
In order to feel alive
In order to be able to breathe
But a soul cannot be smashed
It cannot be divided
A soul is one
And am not feeling it inside anymore

Nocturne*

2010-03-26T23:57:00.000+02:00

I am ramping through my thoughts
and through the darkness of the night,
fetching my way,
escaping reality,
dreaming about a better place,
somewhere, elsewhere, where the sun never sleeps ...
Is that on your side of the pillow?

Leftover piece*

2010-03-18T13:10:00.001+02:00

So I take my weight back
Your soul can fly unrestricted
Your mind can lose the guilt
It can start seeking a new temptation
For all I care

I rest my case
Lust can only last momentarily
Our madness overcame that time frame
Our obsession became painful
Our greed, let’s face it, can never be satisfied
Unless it feeds on new blood

Next time I will try to tread on tiptoes
Maybe the soul I land on
Would also be too fragile
To handle my emotions

Deception down the hole

2010-03-16T14:31:00.000+02:00

It is eating me from the inside
This feeling of deception
I can’t help but sense it
It is sad to see the colors fading
After blinding your eyes
With their gleam and flashes
For a moment, an eternity
Down the hole again
I feel disgusted, annoyed
By the disappointments accumulating
I have lost my will to climb up again
Accelerating motions
But I am stuck in one place
The place you left me
Where we last met

Your lies

2010-03-14T13:55:00.000+02:00

I am watching you lie
Observing the countless deceits
Accumulating in my head
Building colorful castles of delight
The reality of which
Is only within the frame of my naïve mind
And the vibes of your voice
I am watching you lie
As I am monitoring the speed of my heart beats
And the flow of blood rushing to my face
As a feeling of contentment is born
And the castles are built again
But the castles are made of thread of wind
It is not long before they collapse
And leave my mind empty
Empty of anything
But your stupid little lies

Inner thoughts on writing

2010-03-12T10:20:00.003+02:00

The more I postpone getting back to writing
The more I feel the weight of this burden heavier
on my skin and on my mind.
I do not want to deny that there is a lot
going on inside.
I just feel incompetent in trying to capture these emotions
and dressing them with fancy words.
I look back at what I used to write
And I feel distant
Already another person.
Did I lose it?
If I did. How real was it anyway ...
To be able to disappear this fast?

Reality check

2010-03-06T00:22:00.000+02:00

Enough blocking the flow of emotions
They didn’t disappear
They were just put on hold
Until the brain takes a stand
On how to deal with them

i stopped writing

2010-02-21T15:12:00.000+02:00

until further emotions
reveal otherwise

stupid little things.

2010-02-14T15:05:00.000+02:00

It is fascinating how we – unsophisticated humans – tend to cling to stupid meaningless symbols that remind us of enormous emotions we could have felt at some point in time, of cherished memories of someone who is long gone, of a moment in life where we thought that what we are experiencing is heaven, that we could die in peace; now that light has shown upon us in a moment of elation.

But the light, once there and worshiped, never stays. It fades into filaments of tiny particles that embed in emblems that we encounter in our daily lives; such as the color purple, or the sunrays, or the initials of his name or the sound of the thunder. Stupid little things, serving nothing but bringing out faded memories we are failing to overcome …

Spiral.

2010-02-12T15:00:00.004+02:00

Background: Below is a post of non-sense, made up of fragments of nocturnal thoughts shaped by booze, a tired body and a mind overcome by sleeplessness.
Guidelines: If you by any chance happen to grasp a meaning out of this post, then you definitely need to seek help for over using your analytical mind and trying to draw a finding out of nothing but illusions and a bunch of meaningless sentences compressed together in a pathetic attempt to come up with a poem.

The end always has the same glow of the beginning
It is a vicious cycle after all
The one we are living in
It all ends where it begins
Sometimes there are years in between,
Minutes or fragments of a second
But momentary madness undefined by the rules of space and time
Lasts as long as a heartbeat
It could be a fragment of a second,
Minutes or years
But at the end, it all starts where it ends

Is it starting to end… or is it ending into a new start?

Undesirable reminiscences.

2010-02-05T12:44:00.000+02:00

We spend our lifetime accommodating to the loss
It could be the death of someone special, or possibly a dog
The failure in a career or the ridiculousness to maintain a social life
The breakup of a long flourished relationship
That we thought was going to last
The death of a nation – or a flag
Any loss

At times, I think we should bow to the magnificent creation
Called forgetting
If the human mind, was able to remember all the single details
Feelings, events, sparks and disappointments
We will be rotting in our memories, forgetting that ahead of us
Lays a new unexplored horizon of many more fights to overcome

If we are trapped in our disappointing memories
Will we ever be able to live?

Deteriorated fragments of a noise in my head

2010-01-31T23:10:00.000+02:00

I have two legs
That could take me
Anywhere in the world
But I don’t have the strength
Nor the grit
To move away and move on

I am not asking you
To change your life
I over reacted
In a moment of impulse
No, I would never ask you
To change your life
I am only wishing
To be part of it

Seeking lightness we embrace a new weight.

2010-01-28T22:10:00.001+02:00

We all have a baggage to carry
A heavy, invisible baggage
Stuck to our skin
Stacked on our shoulders
Containing all the hard time
We passed through during the day
Our low moments and disappointments
Our worries and distress

We all have our loads and burdens
The dark thoughts that haunt our minds
The obstacles that keep staking before us
In moments we can’t help but renounce

But it all comes down to a single instant
To a single person
That friend you haven’t seen in ages
That relative you find nothing in common with
That lover whom you think is too preoccupied
Fetching his own way through his own mind load
It all comes down to that single moment
You meet that person
And lay down your baggage on their shoulders
Whether through a shocking statement
A shout, a sigh or a tear …
And then you turn your back to each other
And each of you, heavy with a new burden now
The burden of the other
Goes on to sail again
In the profound ocean of everyday life
Where each day, brings its new weight

Revocation_

2010-01-24T23:18:00.000+02:00

When I disappear into thin air
Do not bemoan me
I will still be around you
Watching you
Through the clouds, raindrops and sun rays
Perhaps from that perspective
I can be around you more
Much more than I am at the present
Perhaps then, I would get to examine you
Comprehend you
Unveil all the mysteries
That I spent nights trying to decipher
Little by little, one clue after another
Maybe from that perspective
I would someday be able to say
That I got to know you

The nights after*

2010-01-18T12:10:00.000+02:00

I despise my empty bed
For it is forlorn and dry
It lacks the sound and feel
Of your breath on my skin
It lacks the warmth of your soul
Silently wrapped around me
Caressing me softly
Carrying me gently
On a trip to the lands of dreams

My bed is devoid of your words
Your nocturnal thoughts
And sighs
I sit in it for hours
Trying to catch the rhythm of a song
We once listened to
Trying to visualize you next to me
Pulling together
Threads of our common imagination
Stitching for me fragments of a story
Of a never ending spark
The flickers of which
Are too young to die

It is raining tonight
And the rain only feeds my imagination more
And I can actually see you next to me
Or is it that I sank into the eternal dream
Where imagination and reality
Are dressed in the same flesh?
I am hallucinating
And in my unworldly sleep
You are.

me, you and our space hole.

2010-01-14T17:20:00.003+02:00

People are up and awake
Since early morning hours
The sun will shine soon
Yet their voices and noises
Have preceded it, long ago
Everyone has something to do
Somewhere to go
A bread to earn
A duty to pay
And I sit here in my hole
With one idea lingering in my mind
One concept, one desire
That puts me in a mindset
I am not willing to let go of
A silly smile on my face
Dreamy eyes and pensive stare
And I no longer hear
People’s voices
And their busy lives’ noises
I am here in my space hole
And you are here with me too

There is a place for people like us*

2010-01-13T14:13:00.001+02:00

The little girl
Has a long way to go
There is a rainbow at the end
Life in all its colors
But the path as she sees it
Is dark and slippery
At times she’ll lose her way
At times she’ll go astray
Mistaking pebbles for strawberries
And thorns for rays of light
But in the mist of dark
Her heartbeats will lead her
The little girl
Has a long way to go
Maybe by the time she reaches the rainbow
Her soul would have become
Tainted with the dirt of the road
Wrecked with the lingering torment
Broken and old
Would she still find her once young spirit
Inside
When her body has endured
The reckless journey
With the hope of finding the rainbow?
How much can the skin endure?
How far would the spirit go
To keep itself
Young, untamed and white?