Sunday, 28 June 2009


I feel a numbness that I cannot explain
It is ruling over my brain and my body
It could be the countless drugs I have taken
It could be the words you haven’t said to me

I feel the world around me moving in circles
At times fast, at times slow
At times it just stops and becomes noiseless

I try to sleep but I end up hallucinating
I see old people I have never met in my life
I see roads leading to places I have never been before
I see you amongst other ghosts, talking, but not to me
Avoiding looking into my eyes

I leave my bed and decide to be around people
They talk to me but I fail to reply
Inside, I scream, I try to utter few words
But they fail to leave my system
And I end up unheard – with moving lips but no sound

I go back to my room, put on my evening gown
I wear my gothic make-up, polish my nails blue
Close the curtains and shut off the lights
Sit on the floor and daydream about living undead

Thursday, 25 June 2009


I have scratches on my back
Red, long scratches of lust
Reminding me of acid nights
Of ecstasy veiled under the curse of a never ending game

I have a scent in my nostrils
A scent of sex, sweat and submission
Refusing to diffuse
Or to make way, to the air I am not able to breathe

I have a soul under my skin
But the soul is not my own, I stole it
And it is not disguised in red, restraining
Getting hold of a body that is not its temple

I was once light, unexposed
Unattached to the carnal scratches, diluted scents
Or lost souls finding refuge in my being

Now I long for the weight
Induced by all my senses
Being driven by a single source
A magnet of an addictive taste
An engraved touch
A vibrating voice that reaches as deep as the heart of my soul
And a smell of an infinitely blissful eternity

Inspired by The unbearable lightness of being – Kundera
Beirut Airport – June 21

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

I do not remember my dreams

I slept this afternoon
And woke up thinking
That I have had the same dream
I dreamt last week
The same exact dream
With all its juicy details
I closed my eyes again

As I am sitting on my desk now
Trying to get my mind to focus
On the million tasks I have to do
It came to my mind again
That I had dreamt a dream
During my sleep this afternoon
And that the dream was recurrent

But I do not remember the plot
I do not recall the colors or smells
I only recollect my reaction
And my reaction was bound
To my unconscious recollection
Of threads of thoughts
Irking my mind
As vivid in my sleep as in my wakefulness

Tuesday, 16 June 2009


But I am more than dead
Can a death be magnified?
I died many times
Does this count?

The day you tinted my mood black
That day, you started throwing stones in the pool of my emotions
They do hurt, you know?
Your soft, shiny stones

I thought we were playing a game
Where you would hide and give me signals
With your soft, shiny stones
So that I find you and embrace you till eternity

I didn’t know your stones were in concealing outfit
I didn’t know they had thorns and harmed my internal organs
I will quit playing with death
Discolor my mood again

Monday, 15 June 2009

Momentary lapse of reason.

Last night I tread on your corpse
Slowly, I forced each step into your flesh
Startlingly, it didn’t hurt you the least
Your spirit stood there watching me
Blabbering utterances I failed to understand

I tried squealing
But my screams did not reach out to your ears
Your brain failed to process my speech
My whole presence was intimidated by you
Even when you were dead weak

I held you in my arms and quavered you
I put your deadened body on ice cubes
And inserted needles in all your extremities
Not a single drop of blood came out
Not a single tear was shed

When did you seize to exist?

Friday, 12 June 2009


A clock moving background
Smell of loss
Smell of death
Funeral of a joke
That was once set off
Knowing not its way to end
Committal of a smell
Of bodies unchained
From the grip of sanity
Holding on in spite of the time
Making forged promises
Creating spurious lies
Of a future undrawn
Of a carcinogenic dream
Of masks of vanity
And tears of lament
Of time turning like pages
Of a story untold
Remorseful enough
For never existing
Outside threads of some thoughts

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Concede defeat.

My hair grew longer over night
My eyes gained a lost look over the originally lustful one
My body seemed insignificantly light
And moved accordingly
My shoes felt feather lighted
And started taking me places

It wasn’t totally what I expected
When I ventured into that cave of yours
It wasn’t in my plans
I was so oblivious
To let my emotions
Take over the tiny amount of rationality
Existing in me
Just by hearing you uttering these words
With that heart-filling voice of yours
Crossing lands and seas
Invading my being
As if you were there
As if I could touch you
As if you existed

I am inside that cave again
And I am scared
I am petrified
Will you give me my colors back?

Originally written on 16-05-2009, in Pristina – Kosovo

The exact opposite of independence*

In search for infatuation
She lost her ability to articulate emotions
The nights no longer captivate her
The darkness fails to inspire her
And the words surpass her mind
Unattached, indifferent to her state of being

To her, he is a mystery
She will never succeed in deciphering
The moment she comes to think
That she is getting to understand
A tiny molecule
Of his gigantic substance
He clouts a slap in her face
Throwing her back to earth
To her own reality
Which she should have never left

The moment she decides never to flee it again
Her own reality
And sticks to her corner
In the shades of a sun
That was one day hers
That was one day her own
His invisible hands lift her up
To a cloud she has never visited before
To a land she long yearned for
Some place she never knew the sun shone
And the colors existed
Devoid of all hindrances
Devoid of all mysteries

She cannot need him.