unreality

exists!


... and it is striped with green.







"So I close my eyes and pretend that I am sleeping
avoiding the chances that you'll visit my dreams"
- SAVATAGE

the unbearable unreality.

She drew closer to realizing she can no longer live in her own mind.
She felt it this time. She did not think about it. It might not be rational therefore.

Reality gives her horrible feelings. She’d rather live in her own twisted mind…where nothing is touchable, where nothing lasts.

She refuses to exist. In a world she cannot tolerate. In a world where humans are labeled, discriminated against, disrespected and void. In a world where feelings have no color, and where only dreadful minds can progress.

She had to move on. To the other side of reality. Only to find out, that there too she was not herself.

What is this “self”? What is this ego that cannot exist devoid of an impeccable surrounding to complete it?

Will it come a time when she will proudly reveal her true self; which she perfectly understands? Will this long-lasting struggle to define her identity ever come to an end?

What is it like to be human?

License to dream

I found this photo on a friend's profile on myspace.
It made me think about all the non-dreamers in this world. All those who don't see beyond the carnal. All those who don't dare to take a chance; to make the first step outside the box; those who don't question reality and non-reality...
This goes for you :)

Humanless

Can you unfeel what you feel?
Can you delete a feeling? prevent it from ever being born?
Can you undo what you do ... in a moment when you refuse to be feeling the way you feel?
Can you refuse a feeling? block it? drown it? shake it apart?
Can you live feeling-less?
I wonder how it would be like ... not to act upon this impulse, to turn your back away from an urge, to disregard a sensation ... to be a mind. A rational mind. A feeling-less mind. A flawless mind.
It would have been much easier ... to have one source to listen to. To be held accountable for just one. Not to worry about anything else. A perfect mind. No attachment. No guilt. No feelings. A perfect mind to be your guide.

.unfeel.

انا المقدّّس

I couldn't stop myself from posting this.
It is retrieved from: Al-Akhbar newspaper, Dec 2 2008
written by: Kassem, S. Kassem

لم يكن ينقصه شيء سوى أن يموت كل يوم ثلاث مرات كي يعلم بأنّه إنسان فوق مستوى الإنسانية، لعلّه يدرك بأن الحيوان داخله لا يقبل الترويض إلّا عبر الموت. هو لا يخاف الموت لأنّه مدخل إلى عالم آخر قد يكون جميلاً وفيه رأفة أفضل من هذا العالم. ربما ما لم يستطع تحقيقه هنا قد يحصل عليه هناك. نتمسك بالعديد من الأشياء ونعتقد بقدسيّتها، نراها تسقط واحدة تلو الأخرى. هكذا كان صديقي الذي ترك وراءه زوجة وطفلين وقرر الموت عندما كان يهرب من المكان الذي سرقه.
أما صديقتي، التي بكيتها كثيراً، فلم تكن تحب زوجها وقد تزوّجته «نكاية بأهلها وحبيبها القديم»، أصبحت الآن في ديار الحق وأخاف أن تسمعني. كل ما كنت اعتبره مقدّساً فقدَ هالة القدسية وتبيّن أنّه من أفعال البشر... ولأنّني «غشيم» اعتبر الإنسان مقدّساً ولم أكن أعلم بأنّ هذا المقدّس يخطئ ويصيب. في الحقيقة كنت أعلم بأنّه يخطئ... ولكنني كنت أبرّر أخطاءه من باب حسن النية، لكن كما يقول صديقنا «هزلت».
والدي الذي بدأت أشكك بقدسيّته كان إنساناً وأخطأ بحقّنا ورحل. لم ينتظر ليحين وقت المحاسبة لأحاسبه وأعاتبه. وتبيّنت لاحقاً أنّه ليس مقدساً بل إنسان عادي. ربما كان ذلك نتيجة موته بطريقة غير متوقعة ودفنه في المهجر وعدم رؤيتي لقبره. أو ربما لأنّني كنت أصغر من أن أعي قصص الموت وما يخلّفه وراءه.
أما فلسطين وهي أقدس المقدّسات، فإنّني أراها بدأت تفقد هالة القداسة التي تحيط بها لتعود مجرد قطعة تراب وسهول وهضاب وأودية والقليل من الجبال. فأبناء هذا البلد لا يعلمون أنّهم غمّسوا أيديهم بدمها ورحلوا يتصارعون من أجل سلطة. ربما هم لا يعلمون أنهم يقتلون فينا حلماً ويشوّهون ما هو مقدّس ويضيفون عليه صبغة الحقد والطمع الإنساني.
الآن اقتنعت بأنّه لا يوجد شيء مقدّس. المقدّس هو الشيء الذي لا يقبل التشكيك ولا يقبل أن يتم التفكير بمكانته، فهو مقدّس...
الشيء الوحيد المقدّس هو أنا... ومن بعدي فليأتِ الطوفان.

Protect yourself.

Photo by *Once upon a time.

rumors.

I was told I should write about my feelings

That it would make me feel better

I was told I should let it all out; the memory, the smile, the sight and the tear

Yes, it is true, the tear.

Seeking change is a human trait

Wanting to move on, to develop inside out, is a human trait

But why the sadness?

Why the tears?

Why the sleeplessness?

If the call is true, straight from the heart …?

I needed a change

I changed.

I needed to move on

I am stuck,

How could it be, feeling and wanting and escaping from and desiring …. How can it be? Experiencing all these feelings in one exact moment…

This doesn’t make me feel any better.

Full stop.

"Sometimes I am the colour of air
Sometimes it's only afterwards
I find that I'm not there"

*Porcupine Tree

When will human beings wake up to the reality surrounding them?

Image retrieved from: http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=413222332&albumID=667314&imageID=2902992
r

Negative Vibes

There are those people you know … maybe close friends, maybe relatives, or siblings … those people carrying a big “NO” on their foreheads … the kind of people who can’t just draw a simple smile on their faces … not even at the sight of a newborn, not even at the sight of a lover.

There are those people, the sight of whom makes you have a downbeat… a feeling of nausea, you just can’t beat!

There are those people who wait slowly for their own downfall … missing out on the chance to enjoy every minute of their existence. And they think they don’t exist!

There are those people with negative vibes… distributing their frowns and sulk to every person they meet, or don’t meet. To every passer by … whose chance is so miserable; having ran into people with negative vibes.

Almighty we are.

We never learn something new.

We recall things we already know.

Things we chose to forget.

Things we store in that dark room of our busy mind.

And at times, an idea flushes in

And we think we are unique

And we think we are the only ones struck by this omnificent thought

This extraordinary vision

But in reality …

We are as unique as everyone else is

We overestimate ourselves as everyone does

And we always will.

…Because the Almighty God created us in his image.

Almighty we are.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation" - Oscar Wilde

Nothing worth reading ...

What if the life we live is nothing but an illusion, a journey in the hands of time? What if it is only a transition; from one world to another? If it is so, then why do we miss the people that we loose? Why does it hurt to watch them go away? Since we are going to meet with them again, in the other world. Why does the notion of "death" scare us, if we really are part of a transitional world? Where did we come from anyway?! How can we be so attached to something called "life" when we do not really know how come are we right here, right now in this particular life! How can we worry about "death" when death itself is our gate opener to the other world?! … Why do even bother to worry about such questions when we won't be an inch close to answering them …

Kundera: "And what is life worth if the rehearsal of life is life itself?"

I tried.

I feel like writing.

About the sadness inside. A dry sadness. Never been this dry!

I cant sleep

I can only think, and mourn …

What is to mourn? The carnal death of a person or the rational death of a nation?

I cannot shed a single tear

Yet, I shout and I hit and I strike and I hit again

And I cannot sleep and I hit

And I mourn.

Your loss affected me

It hit me

It killed me

And I mourn…

And I do not mourn your death

And I do not shed a tear on your loss

I mourn my nation

And the people of my nation

And their downfall

They are the ones staying

Dying but staying

You are gone.

I will miss you. But I will also envy you.

They will stay

…living dead

Assertions from a formerly alleged twisted mind

I am not a feminist.

I am a human rights activist though recognizing the autonomy of women and emphasizing their equality with men.

I can say I am practically and certainly tolerant to LGBTIQ (Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Transgendered, Intersex and Queer) persons - I am actually sharing a room with a bisexual I haven't known before.

I look down at politicization of sexuality and bodily rights.

I look down at man-made religions interfering with the most private and intimate of bodily freedoms.

I loathe the way you all call crimes of shame "crimes of honor"!!! Re-think your use of the honor word people!

I loathe the framing of virginity as a political and social control tool.

I cannot tolerate the way feminists force themselves - and other people around them - to find ugly features of women so pretty and so wanted so as not to commodify women bodies! Women can be pretty, slim, sexy and activists too for fuck sake!

Background (and I insisted on keeping it till the end): I was in Malaysia in August. I applied to an Institute on Sexuality and bodily integrity in Muslim Societies. I got accepted along with twenty four other participants from the Middle East, North Africa and South Asia regions. Throughout these couple of days' contacts with persons from different cultures, backgrounds, religions and sexual orientations, I have come to realize the above stated about my own being.

Whoever said that by learning about "the other" we come to understand ourselves … I tell you, you own it man! Totally true.

I will be working on continuing this list ... or not. It depends.