Protect yourself.

Photo by *Once upon a time.

rumors.

I was told I should write about my feelings

That it would make me feel better

I was told I should let it all out; the memory, the smile, the sight and the tear

Yes, it is true, the tear.

Seeking change is a human trait

Wanting to move on, to develop inside out, is a human trait

But why the sadness?

Why the tears?

Why the sleeplessness?

If the call is true, straight from the heart …?

I needed a change

I changed.

I needed to move on

I am stuck,

How could it be, feeling and wanting and escaping from and desiring …. How can it be? Experiencing all these feelings in one exact moment…

This doesn’t make me feel any better.

Full stop.

"Sometimes I am the colour of air
Sometimes it's only afterwards
I find that I'm not there"

*Porcupine Tree

When will human beings wake up to the reality surrounding them?

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Negative Vibes

There are those people you know … maybe close friends, maybe relatives, or siblings … those people carrying a big “NO” on their foreheads … the kind of people who can’t just draw a simple smile on their faces … not even at the sight of a newborn, not even at the sight of a lover.

There are those people, the sight of whom makes you have a downbeat… a feeling of nausea, you just can’t beat!

There are those people who wait slowly for their own downfall … missing out on the chance to enjoy every minute of their existence. And they think they don’t exist!

There are those people with negative vibes… distributing their frowns and sulk to every person they meet, or don’t meet. To every passer by … whose chance is so miserable; having ran into people with negative vibes.

Almighty we are.

We never learn something new.

We recall things we already know.

Things we chose to forget.

Things we store in that dark room of our busy mind.

And at times, an idea flushes in

And we think we are unique

And we think we are the only ones struck by this omnificent thought

This extraordinary vision

But in reality …

We are as unique as everyone else is

We overestimate ourselves as everyone does

And we always will.

…Because the Almighty God created us in his image.

Almighty we are.

"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation" - Oscar Wilde

Nothing worth reading ...

What if the life we live is nothing but an illusion, a journey in the hands of time? What if it is only a transition; from one world to another? If it is so, then why do we miss the people that we loose? Why does it hurt to watch them go away? Since we are going to meet with them again, in the other world. Why does the notion of "death" scare us, if we really are part of a transitional world? Where did we come from anyway?! How can we be so attached to something called "life" when we do not really know how come are we right here, right now in this particular life! How can we worry about "death" when death itself is our gate opener to the other world?! … Why do even bother to worry about such questions when we won't be an inch close to answering them …

Kundera: "And what is life worth if the rehearsal of life is life itself?"

I tried.

I feel like writing.

About the sadness inside. A dry sadness. Never been this dry!

I cant sleep

I can only think, and mourn …

What is to mourn? The carnal death of a person or the rational death of a nation?

I cannot shed a single tear

Yet, I shout and I hit and I strike and I hit again

And I cannot sleep and I hit

And I mourn.

Your loss affected me

It hit me

It killed me

And I mourn…

And I do not mourn your death

And I do not shed a tear on your loss

I mourn my nation

And the people of my nation

And their downfall

They are the ones staying

Dying but staying

You are gone.

I will miss you. But I will also envy you.

They will stay

…living dead

Assertions from a formerly alleged twisted mind

I am not a feminist.

I am a human rights activist though recognizing the autonomy of women and emphasizing their equality with men.

I can say I am practically and certainly tolerant to LGBTIQ (Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Transgendered, Intersex and Queer) persons - I am actually sharing a room with a bisexual I haven't known before.

I look down at politicization of sexuality and bodily rights.

I look down at man-made religions interfering with the most private and intimate of bodily freedoms.

I loathe the way you all call crimes of shame "crimes of honor"!!! Re-think your use of the honor word people!

I loathe the framing of virginity as a political and social control tool.

I cannot tolerate the way feminists force themselves - and other people around them - to find ugly features of women so pretty and so wanted so as not to commodify women bodies! Women can be pretty, slim, sexy and activists too for fuck sake!

Background (and I insisted on keeping it till the end): I was in Malaysia in August. I applied to an Institute on Sexuality and bodily integrity in Muslim Societies. I got accepted along with twenty four other participants from the Middle East, North Africa and South Asia regions. Throughout these couple of days' contacts with persons from different cultures, backgrounds, religions and sexual orientations, I have come to realize the above stated about my own being.

Whoever said that by learning about "the other" we come to understand ourselves … I tell you, you own it man! Totally true.

I will be working on continuing this list ... or not. It depends.